the plans I have for you

the other day I was catching up on my blog reading and came across a new post by a creative, young mom that I started following when I was pregnant.  most likely, I found something of hers on Pinterest and then push came to shove and there I was, reading her blog and dreaming about how my life as a mother would come to fruition. Her daughter was born exactly one year ahead of Olivia and it was exciting to read about what she was going through, knowing that I would be next.

Over the last year, I've come to love/hate reading her blog, but never really could tell why. I had to be in the right mood, and was usually a couple weeks behind. None of her posts were sad, and most are filled with creative snack foods, decorating ideas, and whimsical baby milestones. Then, the other day it hit me. I was reading a post where she was apologizing for her brief break from her blog for the day, because her daughter had a behaviorally horrible day and that she didn't want to post about it because she likes to keep things "happy and positive."

Ohhhh- there it is.

I don't like reading your blog all that much because it makes me feel like a less than perfect mother and a bedraggled woman who sometimes forgets to brush her teeth, much less have time to cut her child's morning fruit into 5 point stars. I guess the sugar coated blog is just that, a cover for just a regular 'ole mom hiding in there somewhere.

I've learned a lot about myself these past 6 months, and I know that God has gifted me to be the mother that I am- fancy fruit shapes or not. Things that would have horrified me pre-baby, don't even cross my mind (vomit, poop, boogers- you get the idea). Getting up in the middle of the night is only painful when I have a horrible sunburn and can't really sit back in the rocking chair to calm my crying child.  Spending money on diapers is much more fulfilling than that necklace I've wanted from JCrew. Nuking my coffee 4 times before I can actually drink it is just the way mornings go, so long as I can get Olivia down for the nap she desperately needs, but fights me for every time.

in spite of it all, I sometimes loathe myself for still wanting to be that mom with the perfectly coiffed hair, who makes her own baby food, has time to throw parties and entertain guests with homemade appetizers, and has time for Gymboree. I wish I could buy baby clothes only from Baby Gap and post Outfits of the Day of me and my fashionable baby, but am lucky sometimes if we both just dressed. I'm the mom who's daughter rolled off the couch last week and got sunburned at the beach. my house is often a disaster, and I've been known to suck the germs off a pacifier that fell on the ground instead of sterilizing it. I've brought my baby to a bar, kept her out too late, and have instituted more of a bed time "span" rather then bed time. am I doing this wrong?

lately i find solace in God's beautiful and reassuring words in Jeremiah 29:11:

""for I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.""

while there's nothing wrong with sharing only the beauty of the good life, you probably won't find that here. I still wonder what it is about those types of blogs that we like so much. my guess is it gives us a brief escape into a fantasy land, a desperate break from sticky fingers and wet diapers. I have to remember that an Instagram account doesn't tell the whole story. maybe one day the sugar coated mom can visit here, and know she's not alone. until then, I'm going to rest in the peace that God's going to take care of my future, and that I'm just along for the ride.